Us

On New Years Day I made a New Year's Resolution. Something I ordinarily don't do because I never stick to them, stopping biting my nails, joining the gym, being more spontaneous, unfortunately they never quite pan out. This year I resolved to blog more. I always mean to because blogging is something I really enjoy but to be honest I've never really been that great at writing, I don't know if I'm rambling and I never really get inspired by anything so I usually talk myself out of it. However, today is the eve of a very special anniversary and something I've been looking forward to for 366 days. 

Tomorrow I will have been with my incredible boyfriend for a whole year and to be honest it feels like the time has flown! It only seems like two minutes ago that we met in our local bar on that rainy Saturday night. 

I never thought that I would feel this way about anyone. You make me so happy and I can fully be myself around you. You make me feel comfortable, special, safe and loved and I love you Jake, more than words could ever describe. 

This past year with you has been incredible. I never believed in soul mates until I met you. You are not only my boyfriend but my best friend, someone I can confide in and I trust you with my life.  

We are meant to be together. I never ever ever want to be without you, you make my life worth living. 

We fit just right and I can't wait to spend the next anniversary together, and the next, and the next. 

Love you always 

'To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.'

Hiding My Heart

All my life I've thought I've known who I am. I thought I knew what I wanted from life and what my aims and goals were. I never really did anything unexpected and people often called me 'predictable.' I hated change and although I'm still fairly young I was quite set in my ways.

This past year things have been a little different. The things that I always thought wouldn't change have changed the most dramatically and in truth it's really rocked me. It made me re-assess things I never thought I'd have to and for the first time in my life it made 'Miss Predictable', horribly volatile. I think I well and truly went off the rails for a little while. I was so angry and confused that the people I loved could hurt me in the way that I'd been hurt so as a coping mechanism I shut down from everything and everyone so that no one could hurt me like that ever again. 

When I was younger my Dad called me 'Little Miss Sunshine', as I always tried to see the positive in every challenging situation. I was often described as bubbly, outgoing and chatty. My life's mantra's were: 

It could be worse...  and

Look on the bright side... :)

But for some reason, this time I just couldn't see any bright side. I also closed off to hope of ever finding 'true love' because this had sealed the deal for me... it was a myth. 

It's taken quite a long time but I feel like I'm finally on my feet again. I don't think I'll ever get over what happened but I've definitely learnt to look on the bright side :) Occasionally I still lash out, especially when I feel like people have gotten close enough to hurt me again and for that I'm truly sorry. Please be patient with me because I know that just because it didn't work out for them doesn't mean it shouldn't work out for us. 

They say we only fight with the people we truly care about and I think that's true. 

'It was in the darkest of my days when you took my sorrow and took my pain and buried them away, you buried them away.'

Without heart we would be mere machines.

For you... x

As I was in the kitchen this evening and advert blared from the television in the lounge. I carried on absent-mindedly drying the dishes and didn’t really pay attention at first. From what I gathered the advert was for a car. I heard a huge intake of breath from my Dad and turned round to see what all the fuss was about. It turned out that this advert was for an Alfa Romeo Guilietta and it featured the car zipping around a country road with a heavily made up Uma Thurman behind the wheel, driving and being...well...Uma Thurman.

Now I’m being a bit controversial here but I’m not into cars. I literally don’t know anything about them. A friend of mine raves to me about the latest models that have come out. Excitedly describing (in excruciating detail) the design, the handling detail, fuel economy and most importantly the speed. He’s a very good friend so I try my hardest to at least look like I’m taking it all in but in reality a car is a car to me. The advert came to a dramatic end with the car stopping to an abrupt halt and the white slogan fading onto the dark background. What was written, really stuck with me.

‘Without heart we would be mere machines.’

As I finished the dishes I thought it over.

I am a firm believer that it is our hearts and the ability to love and be love which make our lives what they are. At the moment my heart belongs to someone very special and today being our 8 month anniversary it seemed appropriate to blog about him. So if you’re opposed to PDA, avert your eyes now!

So I’ll take you back 8 months. As we were getting ready to go out I felt a sense of dread, I don’t really know why but I just really wasn’t in the mood to go. I’d had a horrible day. I’d been so busy that I’d barely sat down. I also got some marks back from a piece of coursework that I’d handed in and as my teacher had written on the paper, the essay ‘had not reflected my best work.’ I was grumpy and just wanted an early night. My flatmate, however, had other things on her mind. ‘You’re only young once Rach’, she’d repeated over and over again. I sighed and, knowing she wouldn’t give in, I sloped off to get some dinner. I really dragged my feet getting ready. I took an extra long shower and then sat on my bed in my towel, staring at the ceiling for at least 20 minutes before she came storming back in and shouted I had 1 hour to be dressed, drunk and out the door.

The night dragged. I watched my flatmate dancing on the dancefloor and sat grumpily on the chair at the bar hoping that getting drunk would help my mood. It didn’t. I saw a friend on a sofa in the corner and went to talk to him. As we chatted his friend came over and he was HAMMERED. I don’t ever think that I’d ever seen anyone as drunk in my life and that was saying something as I wasn’t feeling that fresh myself. He sat on the arm of the chair and chatted to both of us until my friend decided to leave. I debated whether to go, I didn’t know this guy and my flatmate would be wondering where I was. But oddly this was the most fun I’d had in a very long time. He made me laugh and he felt familiar, like I’d known him forever so I decided to stay.

I would never have thought that walking into the local bar on a rainy night in late January would change my life forever (and to be honest I thank God for my flatmate who pushed me into going!)

I don’t think I could ever explain how you make me feel but I know that I never want to stop feeling it.

Life before you was mechanical but you’ve changed me for the better. Whether it’s been 8 months, 8 years or 80 years I will always love you. 

'All I mind's losing you.'

7

How things change.

It’s weird looking back on my 7 year old self and thinking of what her hopes were for the future. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and warn her of the things to come in the hope that she would be better prepared than I am now. 

My 7 year old self wanted to grow up to be a marine biologist (ridiculous since I’m petrified of open water) but she wanted it so badly and the desire for it was so strong that it was incredible. My 7 year old self had no idea that she would actually grow up (and I use that term loosely) to attend a university on a Drama course; have a passion for music and a semi-serious shopping addiction!

Letting go of the things that once meant the world to you is difficult, even if it is only Barbie dolls! But it’s the things that you never dreamed you would have to let go of that are the strangest things to release. And as much as you know you have to let them go, it doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

At 20 years old my aspirations have changed because, as much as I never wanted to, I’ve grown up. My 7 year old self would never have dreamt that she would one day grow up to fall in love and in time want 7 year olds of her own and I hope that, when this eventually happens, they’ll have dreams and wishes just like I did.

How things change.

But I guess I couldn’t stay 7 forever. 

She Knows Me So Well. She Knows Me Like I Know Myself.

So, this is my first ever blog.

I must confess that I feel very sheepish and sort of vulnerable looking at the bright white, empty screen. This nervousness is, more than likely, due to the fact that I don't really have a way with words. 

I do talk.

A lot.

All the time. 

I just natter away about anything and everything. Nobody needs to prompt me either, I start and then I can't really stop and usually when I'm nervous it's ten times worse! Most people seem to shy away into the background when they're on edge. Not me! I talk! My friends and family would definitely agree that I am definitely 'A Chatterbox' but I've never really written before. I've been tempted to blog for a while but being with my family today has given me the final push. So I've been extremely brave, decided to 'Man Up' and here I am :) 

As I said previously it was my family who inspired me to blog today. I am the eldest of the Lacey offspring. I have two younger siblings, my brother Daniel, 19 tall, gangly, obsessed with musical theatre and completely hilarious. He never fails to have me in stitches! And my sister Elysha, blonde haired and blue eyed. She’s the typical teenage tear away, rebellious, beautiful and loads of fun.

Growing up me and Daniel were very close but the five year age gap meant that Elysha and I never quite saw eye to eye. She wore my make-up and used my clothes to play dress up. She ripped the head off my favourite Barbie doll and cut her hair playing ‘Hairdressers.’ She couldn’t sleep without the light on and she pestered me none stop.

Trying to explain this to my parents was no use.

Elysha being the youngest (and far cuter than me) she always got whatever she wanted and never got into trouble for anything.

My parents would always come out with the same phrase ‘When you’re older, you’ll get along’ and I’d stomp up the stairs cursing under my breath.

As I’d sit on my bed, (The top bunk in the bedroom Elysha and I shared) I’d wonder how that could ever be the case? Surely she would always be this annoying?

I looked over at her, sitting on my Grandma’s couch, today and yes, she is still very annoying but my Mum and Dad could not have been more right.

Elysha and I have grown a lot closer recently, particularly these last two years. We sit and talk together, gossiping and laughing about the latest scandal at her school. We do our hair and nails together. (She does her tan aswell but I’m good in that department!) 

We have sleepovers in the holidays too, where we stay up all night watching films and stuffing out faces with whatever we can find in the fridge.

Elysha is always there for me. Whenever I need her she’s always on hand no matter what time it is, what plans she has or what I need to talk to her about. She'll never turn her back on me and she always tries her best to cheer me up when I'm down. 

Yes she’s still annoying.

Yes she still wears my make up and clothes and believe me we still row about it!

I looked at her today and she’s more than just my sister, she’s one of my closest friends and as much as we are incredibly different we fit incredibly well together and I wouldn’t change her for the world. 

And I love her. 

Moon face and all.