Friday 7 October 2011

Hiding My Heart

All my life I've thought I've known who I am. I thought I knew what I wanted from life and what my aims and goals were. I never really did anything unexpected and people often called me 'predictable.' I hated change and although I'm still fairly young I was quite set in my ways.
This past year things have been a little different. The things that I always thought wouldn't change have changed the most dramatically and in truth it's really rocked me. It made me re-assess things I never thought I'd have to and for the first time in my life it made 'Miss Predictable', horribly volatile. I think I well and truly went off the rails for a little while. I was so angry and confused that the people I loved could hurt me in the way that I'd been hurt so as a coping mechanism I shut down from everything and everyone so that no one could hurt me like that ever again. 
When I was younger my Dad called me 'Little Miss Sunshine', as I always tried to see the positive in every challenging situation. I was often described as bubbly, outgoing and chatty. My life's mantra's were: 
It could be worse...  and
Look on the bright side... :)
But for some reason, this time I just couldn't see any bright side. I also closed off to hope of ever finding 'true love' because this had sealed the deal for me... it was a myth. 
It's taken quite a long time but I feel like I'm finally on my feet again. I don't think I'll ever get over what happened but I've definitely learnt to look on the bright side :) Occasionally I still lash out, especially when I feel like people have gotten close enough to hurt me again and for that I'm truly sorry. Please be patient with me because I know that just because it didn't work out for them doesn't mean it shouldn't work out for us. 
They say we only fight with the people we truly care about and I think that's true. 


'It was in the darkest of my days when you took my sorrow and took my pain and buried them away, you buried them away.'